I’ve been absent. Since October. Yes, yes, I know that’s an incredibly long amount of time, but wow — I needed that mental break. I was getting so caught up in all the emotions of trying to have a baby and that led me to other blogs where they were going through insane infertility treatments. I just got so down and so sad. I had to step away. If I hadn’t things would have gotten even more depressing for me.
Here’s what’s happened over the last few months.
- In January, we completed our home study for foster care.
- In February, we signed the licensing paperwork. (YAY! HALLELUJAH!)
- In March, we began receiving phone calls for placements and emails for kids who were up for adoption (or were likely to be). We missed out on a few calls that really broke my heart, one in particular for a 22 day old baby.
- I decided to take a step back from work and reschedule some things to give myself time to breathe. It was apparent to me that the placement process was going to be an emotional roller coaster.
- The day after I cleared my schedule, we got a phone call about a 7 month old baby girl who had just been taken out of her home. I cannot share any details at all, but an hour later, she was placed in our home.
- We’ve been loving on this baby girl so much; we’ve completely fallen in love and it’s been very up and down for me, emotionally, because I would adopt her in a heartbeat. It doesn’t seem like that will be the case, but for now, we’re trying to accept that we’re giving her what she needs — a good, stable home and loving parents.
- Throughout the whole actual fostering process, we’ve continued to TTC. We’ve tracked ovulation and after April, D said he was ready to go back to my doctor to discuss fertility treatments. He was tested back in December and all of his numbers came back a-okay. I was beginning to fret that there was something going on with my body. In February (I believe — the dates are getting confusing looking back), I had the HSG X-ray done which was hell on earth. One of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I learned that I have an arcuate uterus.
- We had an appointment with my doctor mid-May about clomid and after much discussion, got the prescription for it. I had it filled right away since we were going on vacation and I had already missed the time frame for beginning it for the month of May. I didn’t want to leave home and not be prepared.
- While we were on vacation, in the mountains of Colorado, I began feeling strange things. I was super duper overly tired — but that was easily explained because baby girl was waking up 4 or 5 times a night instead of sleeping her normal 12 hours straight through the night. (Ugh.) My boobs were hurting, but if you read through previous posts on here, you’ll see that was very normal — it happens with every visit from Aunt Flo. On our drive home, I got really car sick. Had to sleep a lot of the way home because I just couldn’t shake it.
We got home this past Sunday, the 26th, and I was at day 29. I started my period last month at day 29. I just knew it was going to come. I felt so absolutely positive that it was. But Sunday came and went. I chalked it up to being stressed out during our trip because I didn’t want baby to have a rough time, for my family to feel annoyed if there was an upset baby — maybe I had just stressed myself out and the period wasn’t there yet. Or maybe my Metformin wasn’t working it’s magic this month? Monday, Memorial Day, came and we did a little backyard grilling with some of our neighbors. My boobs continued to ache throughout the day. I felt bloated and uncomfortable, but again, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Where, oh where, was my period?
Monday night, around 10PM, I approached my husband who was already snuggling up in bed for the evening. I said, “Do you want to know or do you want to continue to wait?” He said, “Ok, take the test. I just want to know. Is it too early?” We did some magical googling to find out what my odds were of getting a clear answer, and we saw that I should be in the clear for a pretty definite answer. Always the over-tester, I had a pack of tests on hand. I went to our guest bathroom, which is near where baby girl sleeps, and peed on the stick. (I felt so awkward doing it right in front of my husband, and didn’t want him to see me have an emotional breakdown if it came back negative. Again.) SECONDS into taking the test, both lines appeared. Very, very clear and definitive yes.
WE ARE PREGNANT!
I left the bathroom with my pants around my ankles screaming, “D!!!!!!! D!!!!!!! WE’RE PREGNANT. THE TEST IS POSITIVE!” And I’m shaking. Just positively shaking and cannot believe it’s real. I’m jumping up and down while he’s trying to embrace me in a hug, meanwhile also reminding me to be quiet because we have a sleeping baby in the nearby bedroom that we don’t want to wake. I didn’t even care if she woke up. I would have probably told her the good news (even though she wouldn’t have understood what I meant. After all these months, we were so shocked to have gotten our first ever positive pregnancy test. HOLY MOLY WE’RE PREGNANT.
We briefly contemplated whether or not to tell anyone right away. By our amazing google calculations, we were at 4 weeks and 4 days. Very, very early in the pregnancy.
But we just couldn’t wait to tell our parents.
So we called my mom and dad. My mom wouldn’t answer her phone. I called over and over. I tried my dad’s cell phone and he didn’t answer. I then texted my mom, “CALL ME NOW. IMPORTANT.” When she answered, finally, I asked her if they could face time with us. It took a little while to connect, meanwhile D and I were sitting on pins and needles about to burst out with the news. When I saw my mom’s face (she was in bed, too, for the evening), I asked her to get my dad. He was next to her snoring away. I told her she had to wake him because it was important. She shook him awake (he’s a very deep sleeper!) and they snuggled their heads together to listen to us. We showed them the pregnancy test and my mom and dad were just ecstatic. Lots of happy squeals and tons of questions and mentions of hoping we can keep baby girl, too, and how that would just be perfect. My mom hadn’t been feeling well all day, but she perked right up and said she wouldn’t be able to sleep. We told them they weren’t allowed to tell anyone. (I know, how terrible of us!)
After we got off the phone with them, D’s dad called by chance. He doesn’t have an iphone so D said we would call them right back on his mom’s phone. We did and then got them to face time with us as well. As soon as we were connected, D’s dad said, “I know why you’re calling.” He guessed what was happening and said he just had this gut feeling. They were so, so happy and overjoyed! Lots of laughing and them telling us how proud they are of us. Meanwhile we’re still shaking and cannot believe we’re getting to share the news.
We knew there were two more people who had to know before we went to bed. Before I had taken the test, I spent an hour on the phone with my SIL, L. She and I talked and talked about our vacation and the happenings in their lives recently. (All great, positive, lovely things!) I knew that D’s parents would be coming to visit the next day and I didn’t want it to be awkward at all if my BIL and SIL didn’t know. We wanted to be the ones to tell them. So I called her back and asked them to face time. Best reactions ever when we told them the news. My SIL was so excited and overwhelmed with joy for us. We just couldn’t even put our shock into words and their excitement just really made everything so real for us.
They were our last phone call for the evening. We vowed we weren’t really going to tell anyone else until weeks had passed and we were close to the end of the first trimester. (Oh, what a long, long wait we have ahead!) As we laid down in bed, our hearts were racing and we both kept telling one another, “There’s no way I can sleep now…” or “Maybe we should have waited until the morning to take the test so we could sleep…”
I woke up the next morning from the deepest sleep. I’m pretty sure I must have snored. Since Monday, my symptoms have continued to be sore boobs and being very, very tired. When baby girl takes a nap, so does Momma! It’s only fair, right? Today, a few new things kicked in. My lower back started hurting a bit. Nothing painful and it was just occasional. My sense of smell also almost knocked me off my feet this evening. D was seasoning chicken for dinner and all I could think was, “Where’s the wet dog?” It just smelled horrendous! I looked around for our dogs and was going to shoo them out of the house, but they were already in the back yard. The chicken just … ugh, yuck … smelled so, so bad. (And yes, it’s fresh — I purchased it yesterday from the grocery store!) I haven’t had aversions to the way things look, but maybe the smell will be the tough thing coming up.
I’ve had no morning sickness or feelings of wanting to vomit yet, though I have heard that usually kicks in around week 6. I’ve been crampy, but a different type of crampy than when I get my period. It almost feels like puzzle pieces are being shifted, ever so slowly, into place down there. Nothing is painful and it doesn’t hurt — there’s no need for me to even want to take a pain reliever — but it’s definitely a symptom.
I did take another pregnancy test today. There wasn’t really a reason to, but alas, I had an extra! It came back positive right away. The scariest thing right now is whether or not this little poppy seed will make it. I’m praying fiercely. I’m hoping so badly that this is it. But I’m also just so thankful to be going through this because OH MY GOSH WE ARE PREGNANT. We got pregnant without the fertility drugs! That is a huge deal.
My doctor’s office won’t see me until I’m at least 8 weeks along. I have my first doctor’s appointment on June 25th. I’m not one for really wanting to fast-forward time, but today, I wish I had a magic remote that would let us breeze through these next few weeks. I feel so incredibly happy. Floating on cloud one million and nine. I cannot believe it’s real.
Aside from a minor freakout this afternoon when D was driving me mad by dirtying up everything in the house I had just cleaned, I have felt like my hormones have been more normal than non-pregnancy me. Is that even possible? I don’t think D believed me when I was threatening to leave the house for a break when his messes were really getting the best of me.
I guess we’ll see what happens …